We all have a story.

Mine is encased in ambivalence. A story where beauty and ugliness mix up together and I can't say one way or the other, it is good or bad. Years ago I came "to terms with," "an understanding of," or whatever you to call it with my abandonment and abuse. A godly counselor was there to help. A wise husband walked with me. God's grace was evident on my life during a very painful season.

While I would say I am mostly "healed" I still struggle with things. What usually pops into my head is, "What's wrong with you? Why are you still dealing with this? And feeling this? And responding in such a sinful way?"

I've been trying to figure out why the healing is not complete and I have come to two quite simple conclusions:

Conclusion 1. I live in a sinful world and because of that I will not find heaven here.

I am not meant to find heaven here.

Sometimes I fear with all the godly counsel out there and very good and even scripturally sound, self-help books or retreat weekends or Bible studies, we are are trying to find a place here on earth where life doesn't hurt anymore.

Sorry. Not gonna happen.

I am part of all of us who are wounded
and as long as I walk this broken sod,
I am going to walk with a limp,
and if it hadn't been those things that caused my limp,
something else would have.

Conclusion 2. I believe in a literal, physical heaven removed from earth.

One day God will take back His children. One day I will be carried off to a place beyond my wildest imagination. One day I will stand, kneel, sit or fall prostrate before the throne of Jesus and for the first time GET, really GET, what He did for me when He allowed himself to be nailed to the cross. I cannot even speculate how I will feel. But I do know, my earthly eyes and my earthly thinking will be gone and I will finally GET it.

And I'm pretty sure that in my getting it, the words abandonment and abuse won't come to mind. "...for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away... He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Rev. 21:1,4)

It doesn't mean the things done here on earth shouldn't be dealt with. That we shouldn't seek help. That we shouldn't seek restoration for broken relationship. That those who wounded us shouldn't be called to repentance (and in some cases even held legally responsible). Or even that all the wounds inflicted on earth are "worth it."

It simply means as I struggle here on earth,
when wounds I thought were healed prickle and sting,
when the scab picks off a little to reveal hidden ugliness,
I look forward to a moment when it has passed away, is no more.

Simply no more. No death. No mourning. No crying. No pain.

Only Jesus. Only Jesus will be there.